It's Not About Me 3

Here am I in unfamiliar territory, Baltimore Maryland and on the outskirts of town. The only person I knew was this lesbian I had met in the service. We had a few evenings together but it didn't last long.

My life became interesting to say the least. Getting involved in the Baltimore night life ended me up on the infamous "block". This is a section of night clubs where there are strippers, "B" girls, and call girls, where anything goes.

It wasn't long before I was dancing and doing like everyone else. There are many a gay bar in that part of the city all within walking distance of one another. A few of the strippers were either gay or bi and got to be good friends of mine. I say "good" because at the time there were no bad people to me. At that time the mob still had a choke hold on this part of Baltimore. Having the Mafia around never upset me because it was all a part of life. A couple of the big names in the stripping business were married to the mob.

I got partnered up with three or four different lesbians in the several years of living there. I spent time in jail for breaking the law and had to be on a few months probation. By this time I had learned all there was to know about lesbianism.

At one time I felt that what I needed was what many had told me I should have, a man. I got married. I wont spend much time on this because it was hell to say the least. Like everything else I did in my life, it was sudden and without much real thought. He was still married to a woman in New Jersey when he married me. I got pregnant and that's when he fessed up to this. I gave birth to a son and gave him up for adoption because I knew I was headed back to life as a lesbian. Having no family there was no one who could help me and I wanted him to have family. This is something that has haunted me all of my life but, it is the one thing in my life before Christ that I know I did right. Many prayers have gone up for him since.


One night while out bar hopping I met the person I would spend the next seven years with. We danced, went to my apartment slept together and fell in love, or at least that is what we called it. As it turned out she was a married woman with children and had lived as a born again Christian, attending church and doing all the wifely things. Her life was missing something and here she was on a search. She was not from Baltimore but when she had to leave to go home we vowed to stay in touch and that at some point we would be together.

One day in the future this is what we did. I took a plane and moved to where she and her family lived. For a while all seemed wonderful, meeting on the side and doing our thing but in no time at all I made her life miserable. While she lived with her husband I was constantly in her face to leave him. So much was wrong with our relationship right from the start, desined for disaster. I was very immature due to all the missing things in my childhood that I clung to her and actually drove her nearly insane.

In time we managed to be together, she left her husband to be with me. When I look back on this now it makes me ill to think that I helped to cause this. He would have been just to have killed me and it's a wonder that he didn't.

We had a home together, cars, bank accounts etc. We were in business and even this began to go sour. In a matter of three years to four it was down the drain. She had a daughter who lived with us and sons who didn't. None of them liked me and in fact hated me for what I had done to their mother and father. As I said before, we spent seven years with each other but, to this day I can't figure out how she could have hated life so much as to want to spend any of it with me.

Some may say that I am being too hard on myself but I deserve to be seen as what I was. Selfish and related to the devil himself. I was a willing tool of the enemy, a wrecker of family. Oh sure, she came to Baltimore looking for a thrill that is true, I just wish it had not included me.

We attended the Metropolitan Community Church, a church that panders to the homosexual in denying the truth or twisting it so badly it is no longer recognizable. One Sunday, to my surprise, ( surprise, because this had never happened in past times we had attended) an invitation was given to receive Jesus. When I look back on this I see the Master's hand working for me. Calling me to come to Him. I got tearfully to my feet and marched steadily toward the podium. Standing there repeating the sinner's prayer, tears just flowing down my face, my head bowed. I recall words like, "I denounce the sin in my life, Satan and his lies and turn my heart over to Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior from this day forward."

As my lover and I headed for home I remembered those words and my heart was pricked with a sense of convicting guilt. Looking over at my partner in the car, I knew something was being done in me.

She and I did not split up right away because the Holy Spirit had to do His work in my heart. My conversion was so real though. The fruit began to grow almost immediately. We had a quarrel during which she told me, "You are ruining my life." This was an answer to much seeking and prayer. Many were the evenings that I would drive home from my work, yelling for God to give me a sign that she and I were not to live together as lovers anymore. It was near to impossible for me to just tell her we were through. this proclamation she had made was to me that sign from God that I had asked for.

Right after she said this, I called a Christian couple who were friends of ours and went over to their home. We prayed and they told me that how I was living must change for as it presently is was not pleasing to God. The best I could do at that time, because of it being winter and she and her daughter had no place to go, was to talk with her and tell her I desired to live a chaste life and we must not sleep together anymore. She easily agreed. Again, another proof of God setting things in order.

Through the kindness and understanding of the pastor of the church I attended, we did part but not as some may split. He had agreed that since we were not in the same bed, she could stay until they found an apartment. She and her daughter finally did move and we remained good friends for a period of time after that. She went back to work she was acquainted with and a church of her choosing and I pray she never went on to further lesbian relationships.

I am so thankful for Christ and His blood shed on Calvary, all done to save me. My greatest desire is to help others meet this wonderful Savior who loves them and died as much for them as for me. We do not get forgiven through anything we do. It is all dependant on our confession of knowing that Jesus paid it all. We need only to believe and receive that gift.

The Beginning
Of many, many years of service in leading others who struggle with same sex attraction to the saving grace of Christ.